I called to deliver my parting words, but you were writing yours for a funeral that was to take place within hours in your hometown half a world away, where your parents and countless relatives were to commemorate a long life which had seen much success and come to a happy ending. So I packed my story away and agonized for the night.
I called again when you failed to read my words about a small tragedy that had just happened to me. I could not tell what was the bigger shock: my failure to cut you off right then and there, or your detachment from others' emotional reality. Over the years I have met a handful of men like you, for whom closeness means blanks and familiar presences are images hanging at the far end of their universe.
'I'm sorry you're distraught and my reaction has made it worse,' you said. You apologized and explained your temperament, a sure weapon that anyone could use against me--understanding is my primary response to things. Within a minute our voices trailed off and I gave up on what I wanted to say--No! You do not attack someone who lost a loved one only days before.
Even if the loss should have made minimal difference to our relationship. I am a presence you approach and stir whenever you wake up from your self-absorption. There is no telling when that moment happens, or it is so infrequent that I have only held onto you because there is no logic to my frustration--you are a placebo I have swallowed, and now I have to find a way out.
I called again when you failed to read my words about a small tragedy that had just happened to me. I could not tell what was the bigger shock: my failure to cut you off right then and there, or your detachment from others' emotional reality. Over the years I have met a handful of men like you, for whom closeness means blanks and familiar presences are images hanging at the far end of their universe.
'I'm sorry you're distraught and my reaction has made it worse,' you said. You apologized and explained your temperament, a sure weapon that anyone could use against me--understanding is my primary response to things. Within a minute our voices trailed off and I gave up on what I wanted to say--No! You do not attack someone who lost a loved one only days before.
Even if the loss should have made minimal difference to our relationship. I am a presence you approach and stir whenever you wake up from your self-absorption. There is no telling when that moment happens, or it is so infrequent that I have only held onto you because there is no logic to my frustration--you are a placebo I have swallowed, and now I have to find a way out.
This sentence struck me: "I am a presence you approach and stir whenever you wake up from your self-absorption." I think I've been involved with someone like that, yep. Oh, I think I've been someone like that too, for someone else. Hmm....
ReplyDeleteHolding on to traces of people that have long since gone, emotionally or physically, only makes life worse than it seems.
ReplyDeleteAnd waking up to that reality and doing something about it is like going through detox.